travel is dangerous

and i don't mean in the obvious way, necessarily.

in the way that leaving my comfort zone, and making the active decision to be in a completely different place, had consequences that i didn't think about before.

before i got on the plane.

and before i came back, and didn't feel like myself.

whoever myself was/is.

i think extended travel is dangerous because i think that unlike holidays, there is not the same sense of guaranteed familiarity- the initial promise of relaxation, the euphoria at not having to work, and the dull, dreary ride home when you do.

but in september 2009 to left i job i didn't hate, to spend months, alone, in south america, where nothing was even vaguely familiar.

which i think changed me, forever.

not even because of the experience itself, but because of the fact that i actually even made that decision. a decision against career building logic, against any ideal of financial stability.

since then, it has never been the same.

not only because i still haven't managed to get back there, to that same degree of almost-career-stability, but because now, after another cross-continent trip, the first in over a year, i feel even less like myself than usual.

maybe two weeks isn't enough to fully recover, physically, and emotionally after climbing kilimanjaro.

or maybe, after that kind of physical exhaustion, my adrenal glands have been leached to the extent that i now only have energy to complain, and be tired.

in some ways, i wish someone could have warned me though, that doing these kinds of things could cause irreparable damage to my worldview and self-perception.

that knowing more about what was out there could actually be a disadvantage.

because coming back i always feel different, without the verbal tools to really explain to anyone the details and intricacies of a collection of bizarre and interrelated paradigm-altering experiences.

no sufficient adjectives to explain what it feels like to be at 5895 amsl, or to wake up to the sound of incomprehensible swahili every morning, in a tent, in various climatic conditions.

no time-heals-all-wounds cure to cultural exposure, different ways of living, and varying opinions on stress, drinking and normal-getting-up-for-work time.

but maybe if i tried harder, or had the patience to wait until post-burnout, i'd somehow fully understand and appreciate everything that i have experienced.

all i know is i can't blame the altitude forever.